Posted in Journal

An Email Never Sent

This started as an email to a trusted friend.

Writing email to you is almost like writing in a journal.  Somehow through the years, you are a friend I share with…a friend I process my life with.  Hopefully when you are seventy-five, you will think of me at this stage of my life.  I have been back in music almost a decade, and now I am transitioning again.  I am not sure what is next.  That is the part I want you to remember.  I know you will because you have moved from one  phase of your life to another.  After total focus on songwriting, fostering a songwriter’s circle, pulling together studio demos, hosting songwriter showcases – something is next.  Everything I have done for the last decade has been as a songwriter and an advocate for other songwriters.  I am a mentor of young songwriters and of songwriters who have had no doors open. I am a role model for older but not as old as i songwriters.  I have followed my passion, the voice inside.  I remember you telling me about your father telling you to always listen to the little man inside.  I have listened to the woman inside.  I am still listening, second guessing but listening.  I am leaving what is comfortable, the role I have filled, the one that gives me so much satisfaction for one that I may never achieve the same.

Why? Why am I venturing outside my comfort zone?  Because I must.  I did not ask for any of the transitions I have been through. Why leave a teaching job I loved to go to Nashville?  Because I had to.  That makes so little sense.  When people ask, I can not explain.  Why leave Nashville to come back home?  I have more reasons that others will understand for that, but the real reason is it was time.  I know you understand that – that voice you can not silence. I leave knowing I will never know.  What if I am leaving what I are good at for something I will never be good at? So here I am, ready to make a left turn.  I could coast as a songwriter, a mentor, and a catalyst for others, but here I go into the unknown  I want to write books instead of songs.  I want to do be a catalyst and mentor online. I want a wider audience.  This blog is the corner stone. There – I have said it.  I believe I have something to share, stories that will inspire, hard-earned wisdom that only comes with age.

Why can I not do everything thing I want to do and still do everything I have done and am doing?  Focus.  Almost obsession.  When I was a teacher, I was wholeheartedly a teacher.  When I became a songwriter, I wholeheartedly became  a songwriter.  I  lost other aspects of my life.  No matter what path I have walked, I have walked with focus. 

I guess this started as an email to you and became my manifesto.  I want an online presence.  I have dabbled enough to know what I will have to do to achieve this goal.  Being an online presence has to be my goal.  Everything else has to funnel into that.  Some of what I do now will help me become.  I am not walking away from anything, but I will be spending less time and energy on some of what I do now. When I felt this transition, I worried.  What about my Zen life?  My flowers?  My birds? The introspective me?  Now I know my devotion to those will not change.  If anything, those will continue to enrich my life.  My family?  I am secure.  I will love them, and they will know my love.  My Zen life and my family.  They are bedrock.

Something in me longs for a public life. A platform.  A way to share my gifts.  What better way than an online presence?  There is no magic wand to wave to accomplish that goal.  I have hours of focused work ahead of me.  Anyone can build  a blog, but building a blog with thousands of international followers takes focus and determination.  It can be done but not by dreaming.  It will take hours of focus and work.  Why  am I willing? Because I must – just as I had to become a songwriter and a publisher.  Those took years of focus and hours of work. I did not choose them; they chose me. In some ways, I envy the people out there who do not understand this.

Thank you for being my sounding board, the person I trust enough to discover myself with. I give myself permission to be and to become although it is scary. What if I am turning left when so much is waiting on the well-worn straight path?  Will I forever never quite reach my goals?  I trust that the results of  years I have lived, the paths I have followed will be what  they are and no longer my concern.  I am not sure what is ahead now that I am turning left, but I know I must make the turn. If you are a Doctor Who fan you understand.

Why I am seventy-five and still not settled into a traditional well-worn path, I will never know. Thank you for being part of my journey.

My blog readers, your comments and likes will be so welcomed. I need you. I am still floundering. I am still wishing I could be less introspective. By reading, by sharing, you can help me on my journey.

I also updated Song Page

2 thoughts on “An Email Never Sent

  1. From one (happy fiddling, 73 year old) blogger to another…A joy to read your blog and ‘know’ you a bit.

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