Category: Bipolar Disorder – I have it

Bipolar energy can be wonderful – or not. Mildly high where I am now- just under hypomania – is my favorite. Bipolar high energy is a natural state determined by body chemistry not drugs or situations so I can not induce it. If you know me personally, you know what I mean, You have witnessed it. When I have high energy, I feel good. I wake up ready to get up. I make progress on whatever project I choose. I am passionate and positive. Ideas come easily. I am comfortable in a group. The metaphor of a candle burning too bright is a good one. It is going to burn out. I look at days, not a life, as a candle. Perhaps that is why I love the saying I will live to fight another day. Make hay while the sun is shining is a good metaphor, too.

I am glad I do not have such high energy all the time. It would wear me and my family and friends out. I have coped with bipolar disorder so long that I know the longer I have high energy the more likely I will crash or keep going to a manic high. Think of any pendulum. I wish I could totally control what comes next. I have strategies to help me get back to that sweet spot of balance. I have posted about having bipolar energy before. Go to the categories listing on the sidebar to find those posts. I was diagnosed over twenty-five years ago. I am happier and my life makes more sense. My highs are not as high and best of all my lows are not as low. My mantra is eat, sleep, take meds. Balance is possible, but I have to be aware and have to want balance. The wanting balance is important. Anyone else who has bipolar disorder understands that. In the meantime, I ride the wave and take advantage of the high energy. I am still creative without it, but I do not get as much done. Without it, I am more focused and aware of other people. Yes, coming back to center is the sweet spot. When there, I enjoy my life more because I am quieter and more in tune with others and nature. In the meantime, I give that candle permission to burn brightly. I trust I will come back to center. In the meantime, I am thankful for this time of making progress with this blog. I bumped up to the WordPress business plan so I need this energy to advance my knowledge. There is so much to learn about building a blog with a large following.

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Sometimes you just know your life is going to change even before it does. Mine is. I am seventy-five soon to be seventy-six. Last year I wrote two or three songs most weeks. I do not see myself writing so many songs this year. I am not going through writer’s block or discouraged with myself as a songwriter. This is not just about age. Something else is out there for me.

I welcome whatever is coming. I do not have preconceived ideas about what one should and should not do at any certain age, but I can not see myself at eighty still writing relevant songs. For several years, I have been writing legacy songs, songs to let listeners know my beliefs and emotions. How much more do I have to say that is not already in one of my songs?

I have been in strict self-isolation since last March. I got my vaccination shot this week. By this March I will not be isolated depending on Zoom for human contact. Perhaps that is the shift I am feeling. Still I do not see myself forever focusing on songwriting even when I can once again be in the same room as my cowriters. I can see myself still writing, just not so many songs. I was writing poetry and short stories long before I became a songwriter. I am writing a book and this blog. I can see myself doing both years from now. I have a history of offering guidance to other music people, especially young ones. I can see myself doing that. I also have enjoyed planning and hosting events. I can see myself doing that.

And then, there’s what I call my personal lfe. I want more time for it. I see myself focusing more on family. I see myself spending more time planting and taking care of my flowers and watching birds. Then there are the things I want to do that I have not done. When I retired, I had a list. Life is short at best. I want more than songs in mine.

Welcome to my inner world. I hope what I write in some way touches you.

…but not to 10 yet.

I have already written about it here. Now I have captured it in a song. When my cowriters have writing sessions, we check in with each other. When we ask, “How are you?” or “What’s going on with you?”, we are not being polite. We care about each other and want to know. Sometimes the song has nothing to do with our answers, but sometimes the honesty of those talks fuels passion into the song. Those songs are different. They are not written around a hook or idea one of us comes in with. They are written from raw emotions. I am not saying they are better songs, but I am saying I love them more.

Two cowriters and I wrote such a song this week. I am not calling names or going into details because those talks are the kind you have with someone you trust. We wrote about struggling with keeping passion and enthusiasm for a dream or an endeavor begun wiith high hopes and energy. With dreams and projects, it is true the bigger they are the harder they fall. We wrote about hearing the count. At that point, we have to make decisions. Is it worth the fight? Will our life be better with it or without it? Do we give up or get up?

In our song, the singer wonders if she has anything left to give. She has searched her heart. She does not know which way to go. As often is in true life, although the answer is within, something from outside gives hope. She knows she will live to fight another day.

The song is not about boxing. It is about living. The song? Red Bird.

Ever wonder how it would feel to be in someone else’s skin, to feel what they feel? I wish I could be in what I call a “normal” person’s skin. If you have read previous posts, you know I struggle with bipolar disorder and at times feel anything but normal even though I know there is no normal. Identifying what is a symptom of bipolar disorder and what is simiply human nature is hard. When I am struggling, the distinction does not matter to me. I write about bipolar disorder during the worst of times or when I am coming out of a hard time. I write because I know that others who have bopolar disorder will to some extent recognize themselves. Always I hope that my story will help in some way. Perhaps someone will decide to get professional help. Perhaps someone will not give up.

I have been struggling with shutdown for weeks. The one thing I am able to do even in difficult times is write songs with my cowriters. This time I kept up with Wednesday and Saturday blog posts. Other than that I have been what I call operating on top of and maintaining. I am not sure others see the difference. I suspect they do. If you have been reading this blog, you know the story – up to yesterday.

Yesterday I cleaned house. This morning I woke up wanting to write before I did anything else. Those two things do not sound all that dramatic, but in context they are. I wish I knew why my energy shifted so I would know what to do next time to get myself up and going. I am not saying anything as dramatic as I got up feeling like a light had been switched on. I will say I felt different, lighter. Perhaps this morning’s energy was because I finally managed to get my house in order and at least surface clean. To me the two are related with both a result of shifting energy.

I have no way of knowing how long this good energy will last. I do know I will enjoy it while I have it. I am writing this as Wednesday’s scheduled post and posting it early. In the morning, I have a Zoom songwriting session. After that I look forward to working on my book. Before I go to bed tomorrow night, I expect to do some basic clutter control. I will be doing more than just operating on top of. I will be comfortable in my own skin.

I expect I will have a good day. I will let you know how it goes.