Journal – Page 4 – Stephanie C Brown

A Life Well-lived

Do you have a past history of beginning projects you do not finish? I do. Twenty-four days ago, I began the journey of writing my book A Life-well Lived. I have begun and am past the beginning. It is getting to the middle that will be hard. I have promised myself I will write at least five-hundred words a day. For me, the word count is easy; every day is not. Last night at eleven-thirty, I realized I had not written. I managed five-hundred words in thirty minutes.

Sudden stops are not my problem with projects I still believe in. The first two weeks I wrote at the scheduled morning time. Then one day, something happened that I needed to do during that time. Gradually I shifted writing time to whenever I was not doing something else. Remembering at eleven-thirty last night should not have surprised me.

My Life-Well Lived cup arrived in the mail today. Now every morning I will be reminded. An object I can see and touch is vital for me to acheive a long range goal. When I began Golden Ladder and Silver Cradle, my Nashville publishing companies, the first thing I did was pay for someone to design a logo for me. I had cassette labels and inserts, stationery, note cards, and business cards. Those companies exsited for me long before that did for anyone else although others believed in them quicker than they would have without seeing that logo. One Fan Fair a record label assistant called to ask how many passes I needed. At that time Golden Ladder and Silver Cradle were just me. I had created them in others’ minds.

This week someone sent me a text asking how I developed this blog. She is still in the maybe-vision stage. She does not want to begin something she may not carry through with. My advise to her was not to linger too long in the planning stage, to do something concrete. I suggested she get a free WordPress blog, select a free theme, and build the blog. She does not have to actually post until she makes up her mind. She may decide she does not want to invest her time in blogging or that now is not the time. Building the blog does not take the place of planning; it brings the vision into reality.

Stop and think of past projects you have abandoned. Do not worry about the ones in which you no longer have interest. The ones you wish you had completed, start again. Look for something you can see, hear, or touch that will remind you.

I did not order enough cups to give to others, but maybe I will. For now, I am the only one to pour coffee into that cup, already well-loved, and think of A Life-well Lived.

If anyone does want to pay $25 for a cup, let me know.

Discovery and Recovery

Has your past ever blindsighted you? Memories you had buried or pushed aside appear front and center. That happened to me this week while working on my book that is not all my story but parts of my story. To determine what I want to include and what I do not, I have revisited my past more than I intended. The section I am working on is Claiming the Past. I intended general advice from the other six songwriters and me. Since I am the author, more of what I have claimed from my past needs to be included than from the other six.

Claiming involves an honest inventory of any memory that makes you uncomfortable. I am not advising on how to deal with that discomfort beyond acknowledging it. Some memories touched sorrow I did realize I was holding on to. I do not want to erase those memories or deny the sorrow; I want to see them for what were and are. In a first draft, an author writes quickly knowing she will leave out and add in the next edits. The book is complex. I do not think I would ever finish it by logically and rationally chosing what to include and what to include. In attempting to write about some years and some experiences, I have stopped and moved on to something else because one memory triggered other memories.

I have written over 10,000 words in twelve days. I am claiming my past. I do not know how much of it I will share. Perhaps not even half of what I have written. Once a memory is shared to more than the people involved, it is not longer personal. Some of mine are precious to me. Some are painful. As I write, I am remembering more of both.

My projected published date was late May. I think my rough draft will be finished by projected time od January 10, but the edits will take longer than anticipated. I am okay with that as long as I write every day and meet my weekly word count goal.

Do not attempt this at home without supervision, especially if you have bipolar disorder and have a hard time with timelines.

My Words

Words –

Like the air I breath

There as long as I have life

Even if I couldn’t say them

Write them or even hear them

They’d be inside of me

And I would know them

lyrically yours – stephanie c brown

Imagine a world with no words spoken or unspoken. Of course, you can not because even in imagining there are words. Every image, every emotion, your brain is naming or trying to. Words are so important that we have words to describe our relationship with words. We are at a loss for them; we are moved by them; we are hurt by them; we are healed by them; we search for them; we borrow them; we steal them; we use them; we wish we had them; we remember them; we forget them; we go places and have experiences without our bodies with them. We use words for all of these.

What a mystery words are. I am writer and have been as long as I can remember and before, but I do not know how true my words are for others. I found a wide-ruled, black composition book from the first grade. Before I knew cursive, in large print letters with misspelled words, I wrote about a goat who drove a car and smoked a cigarette. That goat had no basis in reality, but it was in my head and I had words to express it although not well. There is so much I wonder about that goat and the little girl who invented him. I am prone to flights of fantasy, and I find words to express them.

JK Rowling, who certainly knows the power of words and has made a lot of money from words, describes words as the most inexhaustible source of magic we have. Think about it. How many worlds created by words have you visited. How many concepts have you grasped because you either read or heard words spoken or written by someone else. We write them, we speak them, we hear them, but what their force is invisible- magic.

Do words ever die? When no one, no one at all, speaks them or writes them or remembers them, maybe they are dead, but their influence never dies. A language many be “dead”, but its shaping power on a culture or society lives on.

Emily Dickenon’s crystal clear succient words in her poem “Dead Words” writes of words:

A word is dead
When it is said,
Some say.
I say it just
Begins to live
That day.

I say the same is true once a word is written. The words I think and never speak or write affect me. The ones I speak or write affect other people. I write for both reasons.

I even have words to describe when I have no words.

Soul of the Past

If I had a video of every moment of my life

I would have nothing but images and sounds.

When my eyes are closed and I hear nothing

Then my past comes to me.

It shifts and changes

So I never really know it

But the emotions remain

For they are the soul of the past.

lyrically yours -stephanie c brown

When I started this blog post, I planned to write about the power of words to create. Instead I wrote the words that came to me. Who knows where words come from? As a lover of words and a writer, I have spent hours writing these words and loving writing.

Comments are so appreciated.

INERTIA AND MOMENTUM

We have all been there. We have found the initiative and motivation to begin something. We are excited; we have energy. Then we lose that momentum. What then?

I once heard Rick Hall, father of Muscle Shoals music, talk about a time when his professional life as a producer and studio owner had come to halt. I wish I remembered the details of this story, but I do not. As I remember it, he said he was off the wave of his first successes as a producer. He was in a slump. Phones weren’t ringing. He had no production deals. One day he picked up a rubber ball which was on his desk. He threw it against the wall; it bounced back. That was a light bulb moment for him. He knew to get moving he had to do something. He picked up the phone and called people he had worked with in the past and reached out to others. His phones started ringing again. He was back in the game. He quit waiting for other people’s actions, he acted. (I think I have read other accounts by other people of throwing a red ball against the wall as an example of momentum, but I heard it first from Rick Hall.)

I have momentum developing this blog and writing a book. I guess the ball is bouncing back to me. I am in the middle of two Jeff Goins online classes: Intentional Blog and Write a Bestseller. I was motivated to take the classes because of desire; I want to develop this blog and I want to write a book. The classes are giving me confidence and thus more motivation and momentum.

In reading in facebook groups for people in the classes, I see I am not the only one who begins, stops, begins, stops. The trick is to keep beginning again. Each stop makes it harder to begin again because your resistance to what you want to do builds. You begin to think and say, “What’s the use. I have tried this before but never followed through. Why will this time be any different?” Once you come to a standstill, to a state of inertia, only action can get you moving again.

In both groups, the question is being asked. People are asking how they can keep the momentum or even get moving again. Jeff Goins’s advice is somewhat similiar to Rick Hall’s. Do something. In answer to the question, he suggested as soon as the Q&A call was over for each of us to do something to move us toward the goal. The smart part was he limited the time to ten minutes. Do one small thing. Momentum builds, but you have to throw the ball. I suggest you go to goinswriter.com/ . He is a great writer with a lot of success.

I went from wanting to sleep most of the day to being ready to get up in the morning, go to my laptop, and begin writing. With me beginning something new, obsessing with it, and then losing interest is an old pattern. Some people call beginnings that stop, false starts. For me they are true starts put on hold. I have learned enough to know promising myself I will spend a short amount of time each day gets me going again. I may have to promise myself more than once before I do it. The important thing is not to give up.

We probably all have something we have given up on. If it is something you really want, revisit it. Do one small thing. Throw the ball.I would love feedback. Blogs are wonderful, but they are vacuums until the writer and the readers get conversations going. I think my settings allow anyone to comment. Please, do, or email me.

Now

All things in good time is one of my mottos. Now is the good time for me to write a book. I am in self-isolation so have never had more time or focus.

I have been writing ever since I can remember. In the first grade I wrote a story about a goat driving a car and smoking cigarettes. In the seventh grade, I sent a handwritten short story to a major magazine that I am pretty sure did not recieve many handwritten manuscripts not following guidelines. Someone took the time to send a polite rejection letter. I wish I had saved that. Writers seldom throw anything away unless in a state of frustration or temper because the writing is not as good as they want it to be. I still have the story in some box somewhere.

For the last forty-five years, I have been either a teacher or a songwriter. I never could balance the two so bounced back and forth. I am now and have been a songwriter more years than a teacher. I have written hundreds of songs, many journal pages, and a book in that time. The book I did not throw away but have been tempted. I still think the story is good and may write it someday, but the writing itself is not good to the point of bad. Friends who read it had a hard time finding anything to say. I sent it to three publishers, got rejection letters, reread it, and put my copy in a closet.

I retired from teaching and transitioned into songwriting. At seventy-five I am in transition again. I am proud of my age and my life, but there’s something more yet to come. I always know it when I am in transition but seldom know to what. Still writing songs is part of it. Sharing my life with this blog and interviews is part of it. Those I have been doing. The new part is writing books. I no longer feel I am in transiton.

I am still floundering a bit on my book, so I asked my Facebook friends to tell me what they think I should write about. Their suggestions helped me; now I know what I do not want the book to be. The suggestions were to write about my experiences. My kneejerk response to each was no! I do not what to spend months on a book about me. What they want to know will be in this blog. There’s a whole world out there with many conversations. As a writer, I do not want to be wrapped up in me. I want to be more than the sum of my past.

One of the facebook responses, sealed the deal for me. I am a writer. A friend questioned why I would spend that much time (three months) writing a book – what would it accomplish in the end? My response was because I am a writer.

This is my declaration of independence though I did not know it when I sat down to write.

Thank you for being part of my journey.

Wednesdays and Saturdays

Thank you, my eight followers for being with me from the beginnning. I am fourty-four posts in and getting a sense of what I want this blog to be and a plan for getting there.

What can you expect for now? Here’s the plan for now.

New post on Wednesday and Saturday
A photograph on Wednesday
A newsletter once a week – if you subscribe to my e-mail list. I think now subscribers are getting updates everytime I add a new post, but I am working on changing that to no updates and just one newsletter a week.

I post about my life, past and present. I post about having bipolar disorder. I post about Muscle Shoals music, especially about my cowriters and friends. I live in Muscle Shoals, Alabama, actually in Florence, Alabama, but several adjoining small cities (towns?) are referred to as the Muscle Shoals area. Muscle Shoals music is recognized worldwide. I am part of the Muscle Shoals music community so have bragging rights.

Some featured content such as webinars, Zoom rooms, interviews, virtual music shows, a series of You Ask – I Answer videos, digital album downloads, and my cowriters’ albums and merch to order will come later. All in good time – that’s the time table.

I am often asked about my part in Garth Brooks’ success, how I got into Muscle Shoals music in the late seventies, my Nashville days, and my songwriting. The You Ask – I Answer video series is the most concise ways to answer questions. I am often asked about my songs – what do I write? Go to Featured Songs under Stephanie C Brown Songwriter and Catalyst for ten songs and decide for yourself. “Betty Jean” is like a signature song for me, so it is always on the sidebar.

You could help by going to my contact page and using the form to communicate with me. What questions do you?

Songs And A Blog, What’s Next?

Have you ever been at a stage in your life when you knew you needed to take action. You did not want to stay stuck. You wanted to find something that would propel you. I have been there and found what works for me.

I have immersed myself in writing. First, I enrolled in Jeff Goins’ Intentional Blog course which is not free. That’s an important point for me. If I have paid for something, I am motivated. Then I attended the virtual WordPress Summit 2020, again, not free. In addition, I have taken advantage of several other free Jeff Goins webinars and e-books as well as other WordPress webinars.

My answer came from a friend who told me I should take the Intentional Blog course. I took her at her word. Only after I enrolled and another friend was so impressed, did I research and realize what a good decision I made by trusting her and taking her advise. I am impressed. Jeff who is the writer of five bestselling books shares his journey and helps others on theirs. You can take my word about Jeff or go to https://goinswriter.com/.

I now have the nuts and bolts to build this blog and to write a book, but as of now they are rattling around in my mind bumping into each other. It is time for me to sort through, organize, and structure not only my writing but also my life. The first leads to the second.

I am a seventy-five year-old woman still journeying through life, a catalyst for others, an avid flower grower and birdwatcher, a quilter, a Muscle Shoals songwriter, a retired educator, and more. Sharing that in words and songs does not come easy. I write songs; I blog. What’s next? A book. I am putting in the hours to do all three well.

You can help me commenting on my posts and emailing me. I am in physical isolation, but I need interaction.Please, go to the Contact page and follow me and/or subscribe to my email for a weekly email.

Seventy-five?

When someone tells me I do not look my age or act my age, I know they mean it as a compliment, but the statement frustrates me because I do look and act MY age. I may not fit their preconceived concept, stereotype, of a seventy-five year-old woman. Therein is the crux of the problem. Anyone who thinks they are complimenting me, perhaps, has a negative view of aging? They think looking younger is to be desired? If they are basing their concept of age on ads, commercials, televsion shows, and movies, they may view age as a negative.

I encourage you to check yourself. Do you have preconceived negative concepts of certain age groups, particularly the “elderly”. That word in itself is nebulous. When does one become elderly? Does it vary from culture to culture? For the sake of this discusion, if someone asked you to describe a seventy-five year-old woman, what would you say? If you were an artist, how would you paint her? If a writer, how would you describe a typical day for her?

If your answer is that it depends, you passed the test.

Life’s Complexity

I often tell people my life after retirement has been a Zen life, but that’s not true. If it were, focusing this blog would be easier. As is, my life is complex with a wide spectrum of interests, passions, obsessions, speculations, philosophy, and experiences. Although I refuse to let it define me, I think my having bipolar disorder with all the extreme highs and lows has influenced all of my life. The excessive creativity is worth the lows although I do envy others who have the creativity without the extreme lows.

Seventy-five has been a transition year for me although I am not sure what I am transitioning to. I feel the need to capture my life in words so others will know me. At first, I considered this blog as a way to share my legacy, but now I realize no one can know what their legacy will be, only what they hope it will be. In creating and organizing content, I have had to look closely at what I have done, what I am doing, and my ulterioral motives. I find myself making choices of what I do based on that introspection. Everyday I am contributing to my legacy.

Stephanie C Brown, the blog, and Stephanie C Brown, the person, are evolving. For ulterioral motives and shameless self-promotion, the blog falls in the category of self-branding. Self-branding feels so egotistical, but so be it for the long term goals.

Full circle, winding roads, side roads, and dead ends, the journey continues.

Bipolar or Just the Way People Are?

“At loose ends” – “Out of sorts ” – “Twixt and between” – “All at sea”

All the above describe me for the last few days. . Do “normal” people at times wake up feeling the uneasiness, the free-floating anxiety, the sense of dread, the scared feeling in the pit of the stomach? Of course, there is no normal as far as people go, but when you have any mental disorder you tend to think of others as normal. ( I fight against the classification of bipolar as a mental disorder, but that is the clinical classification.)

The thing that puzzles me is the when and why. The drift is gradual, the cause uncertain. I know others struggle as I do. The difference in me and some others is I know this too will pass. That certainty makes all the difference in my life. I remember when I did not know that. A few days or maybe weeks of feeling uncomfortable in my own skin and out-of-step with the rest of the world are not so bad as long as I know sooner or later I will feel as right as rain again.

I have what I call my strategies to make it sooner instead of later. I think they would work for anyone, normal or not, but I am sure they will help anyone who struggles with bipolar disorder.

Eat
Sleep –
Take Meds – if you truly have bipolar disorder and think meds are not a good thing…that’s another conversation

These three are non- negotiable for me every day and night. What I eat and how I sleep are important, but I need the short mantra. A fourth one, exercise, should be non-negotiable, but I do not always accomplish it. These are so simple and basic, one would think no thought or effort would be required. For me, they are. To move through and get back to a better place, I have other strategies. None of them work all the time, but there is always at least one that does.

These bipolar posts are hard to write. Bipolar disorder does not define me, but the more I share the more some people see me through that filter. Because I have been told so often how my sharing has helped someone to cope or better understand, I accept the discomfort. I put myself out there as the bipolar disorder poster child. I qualify because at seventy-five I have a full, happy, productive life.

So I write. I breathe. I eat. I sleep. Maybe tomorrow I will exercise. If I shut down, still I trust. Tomorrow is a new day. My strategies will work. Perhaps not quickly, but this too will pass.

Category: Journal